Orange Juice not Champagne
by starryjen
Summary: What happens after the season finale? Contains major spoilers, do not read if you've not read them. NeelaRay. Chapter 8 is M Rated.
1. Orange Juice not Champagne

_Disclaimer: **I don't own ER. This contains MAJOR SPOILERS for the season finale. If you haven't read the spoilers DON'T read this.**_

_I know I've already got one story going but this has been going over in my mind all day and I had to write it.

* * *

_

He watched as she briefly placed the palm of her hand on her stomach, and in that one moment he knew. All the other momentary touches, orange juice not champagne, all made sense. Who drinks orange juice at their best friend's wedding? He thought they were finally getting somewhere but here was she, with her hand on her stomach, and he knew that this was it, this was his answer.

There was not enough alcohol behind the bar to erase that vision from his eyes, it wouldn't fade, it was emblazoned there. A simple gesture that conveyed so much. It was over, not that it had ever really been. And his world caved in.

* * *

The light on the answer machine blinked rapidly 'You have one new message' it said as she pressed the button. 'Neela, its Katy, Ray's at Northwestern, he's been in an accident, I just thought you should know'.

An accident, the words repeated around the apartment, all she could hear.

Her hand instinctively fell to her stomach to touch the life inside.

She presses the button again, she must have got it wrong, there's no way she said accident.

* * *

'I fell in love with you, but you keep running back to Gates, so, I guess I have my answer'

'I'll come and visit' She kissed him on the cheek.

'Don't make promises you don't intend to keep'

He turned and watched her as the taxi drew away; this time he was the one who was leaving. And he again saw that small gesture, her hand gently caressing her stomach. And his tears began to fall.

* * *

She didn't notice the march until she was among it, the emotions she felt so loud, so consuming that nothing could break through.

She watched the brick fly out of the marcher's hand, unseeing; suddenly felt the tussle of the crowd, her feet catching on something, falling, her hands going to her stomach, to cradle, to protect, as she was dragged to the ground.

Curled up, knees, hands, arms protecting.

Her body being pulled apart.

The pain intensifying.

The blackness encroaching.

* * *

Unidentifiable, a Jane Doe, until that is they rummage through her bag, and pull out her pass, Dr Neela Rasgotra.

'Neela?'

Pushing her hair from her face, peering through the livid, purple, black bruises that cover it, yes, Neela. Their thoroughness increases; it's one of their own. An IV is placed, she's intubated, a scan is ordered. It finds a heartbeat, not hers.

'Pregnant?'

'Gates?'

'What? No, we've not been together since before Meg died'

Four months ago, but this is a six week foetus.

'Who?'

* * *

Fourteen hours in the OR, rotating surgeons and nurses, sweat pouring, exhaustion levels high but have to keep going, tears clouding the eyes of those who watch and those who participate, the battle to save her, not to lose her. The battle not to harm her child.

The release of breath, she made it through, but the hardest part's to come; the waiting.

Two months of waiting by her bedside, going home to a crying toddler, back to the ER, back to her bedside. Two months of watching her, waiting for a sign of some change, a sign that his top surgical intern would return. Two months of hope dying. The flowers wilting, being replaced, then fading, the loop repeating.

No change, the prayers for a miracle becoming more desperate, deals done with the devil, the angels, whoever to bring her back.

But the baby's developing, growing as it should, unperturbed by her mothers lack of recovery. They'd talked, the doctors, that perhaps the baby was using up all her ability to recover, perhaps if..., but no that wasn't their decision to make, so the waiting continued, but the hope died some more.

Her pressure changed, she rushed to her bedside, they all did; was the miracle they'd been praying for going to happen or was this the end, was this their final goodbye, they held their collective breath.

Slowly, hesitantly her hand moved tentatively to rest on her stomach.

Her chest rose with an intake of breath, and her eyes fluttered.

The relief flooded the room.

The miracle had been performed.

She was back.


	2. Good day or bad?

'A good day or a bad day?' They always asked.  
'A bad day'  
'Why?'  
Where to start? A bad day was one:

- Where I forgot what had happened when I woke in the morning  
- Where I fell 10 times trying to walk 5 metres  
- Where people ignore me because of the chair  
- Where she didn't call, didn't write, didn't email  
- Where I remember why things are the way they are.

A good day or a bad day? They were all bad.

* * *

'A bad day or a good day?' A bad day was one:

- Where I wished they hadn't amputated my legs  
- Where I wished that they'd let me bleed to death  
- Where I'd been home a month and not heard from her  
- Where every telephone call caused me to catch my breath, but it never was her.

It was always a bad day.

* * *

'A good day or a bad day'  
'Bad'  
'Why?'

- Because I can't even walk three fucking metres  
- Because they rub and they cut and they hurt  
- Because the medication isn't strong enough  
- Because it's been too long since I saw her smile

* * *

'A good day or a bad day?'  
'Bad'  
'Why bad?'

- Because she removed my medication from my room  
- Because she was worried about what I would do  
- Because I'll never be a doctor again  
- Because I'll never perform on a stage again  
- Because it's been over a month since I came here and I still haven't heard from them. Katy knows, Neela knows, they must all know, but nothing  
- (_Because they don't know_)  
- Because self-pity is a terrible thing.

* * *

'A bad day or a good one?  
'Bad, what else?'

- Because I'm sick and tired of physiotherapy  
- I'm sick and tired of not being able to get out of bed and walk across the room  
- I'm sick and tired of the dining room being my bedroom because the stairs would be too much  
- Because I'm sick and tired of feeling like this about someone who doesn't feel the same about me.

* * *

'Good or bad?'  
The definition of bad:

- Where I walked 10 metres and fell 3 times  
- Where they reduced my medication and I could feel the pain again  
- Where I dreamt of her and she wasn't there when I woke up  
- Where she'd still made no contact.

* * *

'Bad or good?'

- Where I stood and walked for a solid hour, but couldn't make it to two  
- Where my mother told me to tidy my room but wouldn't let me go out with my mates  
- Where I imagined how her stomach would be gently swelling  
- Where I wished what it held was mine  
- Where I knew it never would be.

* * *

'Good or bad?'  
'Bad'  
'Why?'

- Because I miss our apartment  
- I miss the El  
- I miss County  
- I miss seeing her everyday  
- Because I miss her bloody English accent.

* * *

'How was your day, good or bad?'  
'Bad'

- Because an old friend from school told me she was pregnant  
- Because all I could see was a hand gently touching a stomach  
- Because there was only orange juice for me now, no champagne  
- Because I have to keep living without her.

No question, still a bad day.

* * *

'Today? Bad or good?'  
'Still bad'

- Where they told me how well I was doing, but I knew it wasn't enough  
- Where it had been three months since the accident, two months since I'd seen her  
- Where I knew in my head that I would never see her again  
- Where my heart wouldn't agree  
- Where she wasn't there.

Yes, that was still a bad day.

* * *

'Today?'

- I went to a gig  
- I lent against the bar  
- I flirted with a couple of girls  
- Didn't need to use the chair at all.

That was a bad day, they all still are, but this time when they asked, I replied 'good', they'd never understand that there never can be good days again.


	3. Who's the Father?

**This next parts quite short, but I think it doesn't work as well if its longer. I kind of feel I'm trying out different writing styles with this whole story, so apologies for the choppy, changing, but I feel it sort of works.**

Lying there with her hand gently caressing the swell of her stomach, the question came.

'Who's the father?'

Her mind flashed back to easier times, poker, beer and the sofa, dirty dishes, mess on the floor. Random rockers, pounding music, cereal eaten, teasing, tender looks, feelings too strong, the hurt of goodbye.

It flitted forward to confrontations, accusations, hesitations. The pain of pushing away, denied feelings, other people, jealousy, hurting each other to ease their own pain.

It focused on a soft, gentle kiss in the snow, and the night that followed. A night of sweet, tender words and touches. Hands stroking her hair, her back, her thighs. Feelings so intense. More kisses, touches, sprinkled from her calves to her lips. Starting slow, turning passionate, the need to feel as one, to be so close, to amend all the wrongs. The love in his eyes as he came inside her. Going to sleep with him spooning against her, arms and legs wrapped tight, pulling her close, whispered words of love in her ear. The realisation in the small hours that it was wrong, that she wasn't free. Easing away from his hold, hoping not to wake him. Sneaking out of her apartment before the sun rose unable to face him. It was so wrong but for that night it had been so right.

And she flashed forward to the last time she saw him, in a wheelchair, unable to walk, injuries so severe. Pushing her away, unable to believe that she really cared. Because that's what she'd made him think at every turn. She, who cared so much had to pushed away the one person who meant the world to her, to preserve what she believed was morally right, but was proving so wrong.

'Who's the father?'

'Ray'

And with that one word it wasn't a secret anymore. No more would she deny her heart.


	4. Correspondence

**Disclaimer: As usual, I still don't own ER. Not so happy with this chapter but I've been working on it for weeks and getting nowhere so thought I would just get past it now.

* * *

**

_From:Abigail.Lockhart  
To:DocRock  
Time: 23:05  
__Re: Just Heard_

_Ray, I'm so sorry, we've just heard about your accident. I'm sure you must have thought we were all heartless up here, but we've honestly just found out. I feel terrible that we've deserted you when you needed us most, but it wasn't intentional. How are you doing? Is there anything I can do? Ah, shit, I'm going to have to go we've got a trauma coming in, but please, write back soon._

_Love_

_Abby_

They've just heard, it made no sense, three and a half months since it happened and they've just found out about his accident, that couldn't be right. Katey knew, Neela knew, surely she'd at least told Abby. Saying that he hadn't heard from her since he'd come home despite her promises to the contrary, so perhaps she hadn't, he meant that little to her that she didn't even tell their friends about his accident.

But Katey hadn't told them either, that was strange, he was sure she had mentioned telling Abby and Pratt, but he must have got that wrong. She'd been so supportive even when he told her that he wasn't ready for a relationship yet, would he ever be ready for one with someone other than Neela? She emailed or rang him most days, regaling him with tales of County, of people he knew, but she knew never to mention her, and as much as he sometimes wanted to ask he didn't, it wasn't fair. He missed the buzz of County, of Chicago, maybe one day he could go back, maybe one day when it didn't hurt so much.

He really should reply. Keep it light hearted, she doesn't want to hear about the dark, black days when anything is too much, thankfully they're lessening now. Should he mention her, yes, but don't ask after her, don't single her out as different from everyone else. Some teasing that's what Abby would expect, a bit of seriousness necessary in the circumstances. A good balance, Send.

* * *

She was exhausted, it felt like it had been such a long day, but she'd only been on duty since 7pm. She'd spent most of the afternoon with Neela as she underwent so many tests and scans trying to ascertain the full extent of the injuries she'd suffered, looking for any long term damage to her or the baby. The day before she'd finally asked the question that had been on her mind since they first found out about the baby. The answer hadn't surprised her as such, in fact it was the one she'd expected. Neela wasn't loose with her affections, she felt deeply, so as soon as Tony said it couldn't be his, she'd wondered. And those nights when she'd lain awake waiting for her pager to sound to call her back to her bedside, she'd contemplated, dreaded would be a better word, how she would tell Ray. The idea of making that call had brought tears to her eyes. The added complication of not being able to contact him had made her angry and frustrated as hell. 

But what now shocked her; appalled her in fact, was that she hadn't known about Ray's accident. That was a terrible feeling, knowing that one of the people who had barely had a bad word to say about her, a teasing word, a joking word, but rarely a bad word, had had to learn to deal with such a terrible injury without her support, without any of their support. She felt that she'd deserted him But she knew she wasn't to blame, no one was, the only person who had known was Neela and she hadn't been able to tell anyone.

_From: DocRock  
To: Abigail.Lockhart  
Time: 14:23  
__Re: Just Heard_

_Hey Lockhart, weird seeing an email from Abigail Lockhart, might just have to start calling you Abigail! Yeah, I thought you guys had forgotten all about me. What do you mean you just heard? Neela and Katey have known for over two months, what have you guys been doing up there, working so hard, no coffee breaks to catch up on the gossip? I can't believe that for a second._

_I'm not too bad, getting there slowly, good days and bad, it's been really rough, but yesterday I didn't need to use my chair at all so I think I'm getting there at last. Even made it to a couple of gigs. Hopefully, it won't be long before I'm back at County I kind of miss the old place! Keep in touch._

_Ray_

She only needed two words to reply.

* * *

_From: Abigail.Lockhart  
To: DocRock  
Time: 22:01  
__Re: Re: Just Heard_

_Katey knew? _

Yeah Katey knew, so did your precious Neela, but you won't say anything against her, won't blame her for you not knowing.

It had been a bad night, too many dreams of the unobtainable, too much pain when he woke, and a torturous physio session to cap it all off.

He felt so frustrated that she was casting all the blame on Katey, it just wasn't right. Dr Rasgotra wouldn't do such a thing, surely, she was presumably so wrapped up with Gates and their baby, playing happy families, his breath caught in his throat at that thought, that she didn't feel it necessary to tell anyone what had happened to him. Abby probably hadn't even seen Katey since he'd left, but she would still get the blame, because little Neela couldn't possibly have done anything wrong.

He fired off his reply, short though not as short as hers, made it clear that Neela knew, tried to soften it by asking after the others. He signed off, too tired for much else, too think much more.

* * *

A day off. Not from looking after Joe, or caring for Neela, but a day off all the same. There was nothing she wanted more than a big bear hug from Luka but he wasn't there, he was in Croatia caring for his sick father. So she was left here literally holding the baby. 

_From: DocRock  
To: Abigail.Lockhart  
Time: 13:54  
__Re: Re: Re: Just Heard_

_Yeah Katey knows and Neela too. Talking of who what's going on with her, she said she'd keep in touch but I've not heard from her, at least Katey keeps in touch. I dunno, I must have got her wrong, I thought she was a friend, but when I needed her she wasn't there._

_How are Luka and Joe? And the rest of the gang?_

_Ray_

She sucked her breath in when she read Ray's email. How dare he say that about Neela, she felt anger boil inside her, the fury about what Neela had gone through, and... But, she rationalised, he didn't know what had happened, and probably felt hurt and rejected that she'd not been in touch since he left. It was understandable. Katey on the other hand was a manipulative cow. She was in touch with Ray, yet sitting by Neela's bedside obviously not a word to Ray about what had happened to Neela. She wouldn't be surprised if she'd been telling lies to Ray about her instead.

She vented at the keyboard, pouring out her thoughts and feelings, no intention of sending, just releasing them. She would delete it when she finished and then send a more measured response.

The phone rang, it was Luka. By the time she returned to the keyboard she was prepared to delete what she'd written and start again. But the message had gone, she checked her sent folder and there it was, no way to retrieve it now.

* * *

Two emails from Abby. He was intrigued, especially as Abby's second email asked him to delete the first, yeah right, as if he was going to do that, he wondered what she'd written that she didn't want him to see, and with a click of the mouse he saw. 

_From: Abigail.Lockhart  
To: DocRock  
Time: 16:16  
Re:_

_Katey knew? Really? I can't believe it, she's so fing unbelievable. That girl's got a hell of a lot to answer for. She knew that after what happened I was trying to get a phone number for you. Shit, she listened to me complaining that you never answered your cell. She knew how desperate I was to speak to you. And you're saying that she was in touch with you, that she knew about your accident, Shit, she had the power to make some of this right. You'd have thought she would have said something, I'm guessing that she never told you about the accident? I've seen her almost every single day for the last two months, shit, she was there when things were at there worst, when we thought that we were going to lose her, when I was dreading calling to you, dreading not being able to call you because I couldn't find a number. God, she's sat by her bedside everyday, being so caring and compassionate, knowing that Neela couldn't have told us about your acci_

The words swam before his eyes. They made no sense. Jumbled, confused. Accident? His accident? Another accident? The meaning started to sink in. Her accident? The woman he found it difficult to breathe without? Her accident. Fury descended.

With shaky hands he clicked on Abby's next message, hoping it would clarify things.

_From: Abigail.Lockhart  
To: DocRock  
Time: 16:32  
Re: __DELETE MY PREVIOUS EMAIL_

_Sorry, just delete my last email, I was letting off steam, didn't mean for you to read it, but Joe must have pressed Send before I could do anything, kids what can you do?_

_Katey knew? Really? She's never said anything to me and I've seen her a fair bit over the last two months, so that's a bit strange, perhaps she thought you didn't want anyone to know._

_Joe's fine, I feel like I've not spent much time with him recently between work and everything that's happening, Luka's dad's ill so he's had to go back to Croatia, which sucks, and makes it all the more difficult. I'm sure Joe thinks the childminder is his mommy!_

_The temp they've got covering for you is useless, and we also get the joy of having Crenshaw doing ER consults, what with Surgery being short staffed as well, which is always fun, I'm sure Katey's told you about that though. Actually, it's not as bad you would think, he's shown a more reasonable side recently, I think because everyone was focused on one thing and we all knew that was all that was important, he realised that there was no point being so pissy._

_Hope you're still doing okay_

_Love_

_Abby_

It didn't clarify anything, in fact it told him less than the previous one. He realised that that was the point, she didn't want him to know that something had happened to Neela, the fury started to fade, as the fear rose inside him. Was she okay? Abby had said something about losing her, God, don't let that be true.

His response lacked grammar, punctuation, it probably made little sense, but all he wanted was to get the words down, to send it and to get a response back. He didn't care about how it looked, or read, all he needed was an answer, something to calm his heart down, to stop his hands shaking.

_From: DocRock  
To: Abigail.Lockhart  
Time: 13:47  
__Re:_

_Abby, what's going on? I just read your first email, the words delete my previous email kind of made me curious. And to say that I'm freaking out here is an understatement. what accident? Youre not talking about my accident are you who did you almost lose because if it's the person I think youre talking about I will kill Katey for not telling me. I'm begging you, tell me what happened, if something has happened to Neela you have to tell me now, I have to know._

He clicked the Send/Receive button for the hundredth time in thirty minutes, still nothing, he'd never known fear like this, fear of something he had no control over, when he was so removed from the situation that he could do nothing. He fired off another email, more articulate than the first.

_From: DocRock  
To: Abigail.Lockhart  
Time: 15:30  
__Re:_

_Abby, don't ignore me. I need to know what's happened. Is Neela okay, all I need is a yes or no, god, Abby you know how I feel about her, plese just tell me whats going on, I can't bear not knowing. Look I'll be on the first flight up tomorrow if I don't hear from you first, I don't care what it takes, I have to know she's okay._

_Ray_

He looked into flights for the next day, could he leave it that long without knowing? And then a thought came to him, perhaps she was working; with trepidation he picked up the phone and rang a number so familiar to him.

'_Pratt, it's Ray, is Abby there?'Time: 16:15  
_'_Hey Barnett, how're you doing?  
_'_Is Abby there?  
_'_No, she's not on till later. I was sorry to hear what happened, how's it going?'  
_'_Greg, what's going on? Has something happened to Neela, Abby's said something's but she's not replying to my emails and I need to know'  
_'_Ray, sorry man, it's not my place to say'  
_'_Come on, you have to tell me'  
_'_I promised Abby, sorry'_

Greg had known, whatever it was, he could tell, but he couldn't get him to say. Why was Abby keeping this from him? He scrolled through the numbers on his phone; found that he still had a home number for Abby, so he made another call.

'_You've reached Luka and Abby, sorry we can't come to the phone at the moment, leave a message after the beep and we might get back to you'_

'_Abby, its Ray, if you're there pick up the phone, this is driving me crazy, I need to know what's going on, please Abby, if something's happened to her…' Message left at 16.34_

She hadn't answered, so he returned to watching his inbox, clicking the button every few seconds, in the hope that the more he clicked the quicker a response would arrive. His breath froze in his chest, a reply. It was short, still didn't tell him what he wanted to know, but he realised that this was all he would get until she arrived.

_From: Abigail.Lockhart  
To: DocRock  
Time: 16:40  
__Re: Re:_

_I'm coming down to visit; I'll be there in a couple of days. I'll explain everything then._

_Abby_


	5. Nightmares

Disclaimer: I don't own ER. I hope this works okay, reviews please.

* * *

He'd slept fitfully since receiving Abby's emails two days earlier, nightmares, based on the little that he knew, plaguing him.

And now it was his turn to make deals with the devil, the angels, anything to ensure she was okay, it didn't even matter if she was with Gates as long as she was okay.

His mind flitting from the happy, carefree days when they were roomies, when all he'd wanted was for her to be happy, it was all he'd ever wanted. Evenings spent on the couch, her face hidden in his chest, cooking for her, falling further and further in love with her.

Then the heartbreak of goodbye as she moved out, as he made his feelings too clear, as he pushed things too far.

The anger when she pushed him away when all he wanted was to hold and comfort her.

The pain, the despair, the jealousy of Gates.

Seeking comfort in another's arms, and then slowly things healing, repairing.

And then a night so perfect that it couldn't be real, a night of soft lips pressed against his, his pale skin held tight against her dark skin, closer than he'd ever been to anyone. Love shining in her eyes, reflecting his. Pain and heartache fading. Dreams, hopes, opportunities reawakening.

Waking in the cold light of day, alone. The worst nightmare he'd had up until then.

Talking to her at the wedding, dreams once again reawakening, until that moment, when with a touch of her hand to her stomach, and orange juice not champagne, she'd ripped his heart out.

Bright lights, horns blaring, then nothing.

And now an accident, her accident, terror coursing through veins, images, scenes of her being stabbed, shot, burnt. Fear of never being able to take back angry words, of never seeing her again; of lesser things: unknown injuries, scarring, no hand resting cherishingly on her stomach, of loss. Waking drenched in sweat. Tear soaked pillow. Heart racing. Reaching for that one photograph, all he had. The need to see her face, her beautiful face. To remember happier times.

And the eyelids flickering as sleep called his name once more and the cycle repeats: happiness, lust, love, pain, jealousy, hope, perfection, heartache, terror, awake, repeat. Reliving every moment, real and imagined.


	6. The Long Journey

**Disclaimer: I don't own ER. I'm not happy with this chapter, I've been working on it for a while, and I just can't get what I want from it, now the next chapter, I like! Let me know what you think.**

* * *

Abby didn't know about his accident, didn't know where he was now. Which meant, he didn't know where she was, didn't know why she hadn't been in touch. She'd managed to do it again, abandoned him, proved that he was right, she didn't care, but that was wrong, she did.

But she couldn't call him, see him. She needed to know as much as possible, needed to know that their baby would be okay. There were tests, so many tests, tests and scans, and more tests. A little girl, perfect, as far as they could tell, perfect. A child as stubborn as her parents they said, unwilling to give up.

She begged and she pleaded but they wouldn't say yes. She wasn't well enough, strong enough, there were too many risks, she couldn't fly. With Abby's persuasion, her reassurance that she would be with her, they eventually said yes, but only by road.

So in a car with a toddler in the back and a frail, fragile Neela in the front, Abby drove them South.

A long journey, a hard journey, a tiring one. She slept a lot, but the nightmares Abby had witness over the last couple of weeks kept coming. So bad that she had to pull the car over, and take her in her arms until the screaming, the whimpering stopped, until the tears dried, until she was awake again. Then she had to calm Joe who was unsettled by the drama and then she would curse Luka, then they finally started on their way again, only for the loop to repeat again.

And then there was the eating, she was tiny, literally wasted away in her hospital bed, so Abby had to get her to eat, to build her up, so that her body could provide for herself and the baby, but she wasn't hungry, she had no appetite, she knew she had to eat, but the reality was a few morsels passing her lips, anything more was rejected. So they progressed with a stop every hour or so for a few bites of food and then continued.

They checked in. They were finally there. One room for the three of them, she couldn't be left on her own, Abby could already see how much the trip had drained her, and she felt the fear rising in her body, it was too soon, they shouldn't have come. When she collapsed on the bed, her eyes fluttering closed, Abby didn't resist the urge to check her pulse.


	7. Visitors

**Disclaimer: I don't own ER. This is one of my favourite chapters of this so far, so I hope you enjoy. Hope to post a new chapter of Guilt in the next couple of days but I have houseguests so may not be possible to update as much.**

* * *

A car slowed as it drew near. The engine cut. He listened but didn't move. He'd reacted twice already and it hadn't been her.

A door opened and closed, a delay in between as the occupant got out. Another and another, a longer delay between the opening and closing. Three people.

He let out the breath he'd subconsciously been holding. Not Abby then.

His mother was at the door calling out a welcome.

He strained to hear the response.

He heard two sets of footsteps on the path.

He heard one stumble, his mother's sharp intake of breath.

Then her feet flying down the path.

He heard Abby's voice 'Shit, I knew we shouldn't have come'

He steeled himself not to move.

His mother's 'what can I do?'

Sheer will power forced him to walk to the kitchen not the door.

'Can you get my bag from behind the driver's seat? I knew this was too much for her'

His heart working overtime, somehow deep inside he knew they were talking about Neela, but he didn't acknowledge that thought.

'Hey honey, it's okay, shh, no don't try to get up yet, just rest a bit' Abby's doctor's voice in full. He heard the tone change 'is there somewhere I can take her? she should lie down?'

Distancing himself from them. Voices still drifting through.

'Umm, yeah, Ray's room'

His girl in his bed.

_Dark brown hair fanned on the pillow. Chocolaty eyes heavy with desire looking up at him. Warm soft skin against his._

'Honey do you think you can sit up? Slowly, there's no hurry, umm… I've got you, it's okay, can you bring my bag?'

He heard them enter the house. He stayed where he was. So many things he knew he would want to do when he saw her, so many that he couldn't, so many that he shouldn't.

Gripping the worktop. His mother entering the room.

'She's here?' his voice sounding foreign even to his own ears.

_His name on her lips, her hand on his chest_.

Staring out the window. Seeing nothing except her face.

'Yes'

Grip tightened. Eyes closed, raised to the ceiling. Swallowing.

_Hair like satin draped in his hand, the sweet taste of her mouth, limbs entwined with his._

Door opening, turning, Abby entering.


	8. Conversations

Disclaimer: As before. I think this is a bit longer than the previous one, I hope you like, I couldn't quite work out how to do it as it was obviously going to be quite a lot of conversation, but I'm pretty pleased with what I ended up with. **This chapter is M rated**.

* * *

Trying not to look, trying to resist, eyes pulling downwards, tearing them up to look at his face, his body, anywhere but his legs. He was looking good, better than she expected, better than the girl lying in his bed. 

'Hey' the skin on her lip had never been so tempting, her teeth seeking it out to chew.

_Her nostrils flaring in anger, her lip jutting out in a pout, her eyes blazing with passion, memories._

'How are…?'

'How is…?'

Words spoken at the same time, a look, him conceding.

'How are you doing?'

_Talking passionately about surgery, eyes bright, gesticulating wildly. Shouting with despair at the mess in the apartment. Murmuring sweet nothings in his ear._

An incredulous look, a shake of the head.

'Unbelievable, I've been climbing the walls here Lockhart, waiting to find out what happened to her, and you're asking about my health'

'Ray…'

_His colleague, his roomie, his ally, his confidante, his best friend, his love._

He walked to the table. A change of gait, that's all. You'd never know.

'No Abby, you've no idea how worried I've been, you can't skirt around this anymore, she's here, I know that, but that's all I know'

_His girl, in his bed, the thought came to him again._

She cuddled into the reassuring warmth of her son 'I don't know where to begin'

'You said there was an accident?'

'You have to understand that a lot of this is guesswork. The last thing she remembers from that day is saying goodbye to you'

_Her lips on his skin, eyes meeting, a promise made._

The enormity of those words hit him 'the day I left?'

'Yes...'

He leant his face into his hand, and took a long shaky breath 'to come here? But that was 2 ½ months ago'

_Watching her disappear into the distance. Warm, salty tears on his face._

'I know, she only woke up two weeks ago'

He looked up, meeting her gaze, eyes bright, voice shaking 'Abby, what happened?'

_A snowy night, lips meeting for the first time._

'There was an anti-war rally on that day, she ended up at it, as I said she doesn't remember any of it, she was brought into the ER around 5pm with crush injuries, we...' she took a deep breath 'we only realised who it was when we found her County pass'

_Moving closer, his tongue seeking out the contours of her mouth, his hands tangling in her silky hair._

Watching as the incomprehension on his face faded into realisation.

'I'm not going to lie to you Ray, it was touch and go, she was in the OR for hours, I didn't think she was going to make it, she shouldn't have. But she's stubborn, she made it through. They kept her sedated for the first few days, as it wore off she didn't come round'

_Her pulling back, him tensing, waiting for rejection, but instead an invite inside._

Silent tears trickled down her cheeks 'there were nights when I lay awake waiting for my pager to go off, days she was lucky to make it through. I would lie there wondering how, if I ever found you, how I could possibly tell you'

_Pulling her into his arms as the door closed, lips searching out her mouth again._

'I didn't live, I functioned, I got by minute by minute, I couldn't make any plans. Everything I did had a purpose, I worked, I sat with her, I played with Joe, I worked and so on. It was the same for all of us, we did what we had to do, but that was all. She was never alone, there was always someone with her'

_Slowly unbuttoning her shirt, awestruck that this was really her, savouring every second in case he was dreaming._

She raised her eyes to his 'that's what got me about your email. Katey was one of those people. She sat with her, I spoke to her about you, but she never once told me that she knew where you were, or about your accident, and she never told you about Neela'

_Her hand trailing under his t-shirt, teasing the skin at the bottom of his back, t-shirt joining hers on the floor, clothes shed._

'I couldn't find you. Your cell was cut off, the person in your apartment hadn't heard of you. All Admin would say was that you'd resigned. Yet she sat there and didn't say a word'

_Legs wrapped around his waist, her smooth soft skin pressed against his, carrying her to the bedroom._

'And then two weeks ago, my pager went off, I was in the ER and they were paging me to go upstairs. I was terrified, I didn't want to go, I was convinced it was over. Sam, Morris and I were on, and they went up with me, they told us her pressure had changed, that something was going on, but no one knew what to expect, half a dozen doctors in that room, and not one of us knew what was going to happen'

_Pausing, taking in the sight of her naked in front of him, overwhelmed by the love in her eyes, lips on lips, sliding into her, as close as can be._

She nuzzled into Joe's hair 'her hand moved…'

_Her hand gently touching her stomach._

'…And she took a strong breath and her eyes fluttered open. For the first time in two and a half months I felt I could breathe again'

_Words of love slipping out as he came inside her, so close, never wanting to be apart._

He gathered his thoughts 'the baby? What about the baby?'

A gasp. He turned. His eyes taking her in. Absorbing every detail. Collapsing back in his seat.

'How did you know?'

A hand resting on the gentle swell of her stomach, the question shining in her eyes.

_Realisation dawning_.


	9. Reconciliations

Disclaimer: I still don't own ER. There's one or two parts of this still to go, I'm not sure yet, I may just do an epilogue, hopefully will decide today. A day off work to catch up on writing, well that and sleep! Hope you enjoy! Reviews please.

* * *

Eyes meeting. Taking each other in. The world fading. Just them. Abby and Jacey leaving. Alone. All alone. Just them. Just them.

Rising to his feet. Standing. Surprise and pride overwhelming. Tears start to fall.

A few steps forward. Meeting in the middle. Just looking.

'Ray'

'Neela'

Then in each others arms. Holding. Clinging. Tears mingling.

Hands entwined in her hair. Deep breathe. Inhaling her scent.

Face buried in his chest. Deep breathe. Inhaling his scent.

Reassuring. Calming. Still here. Still exists.

Pulling apart. Gazing. Fingers entwining. Leading her to the table. Sitting down.

'How did you know?' fingers still joined. Her other hand resting on her stomach.

'That' he gestured 'that hand and orange juice not champagne'

'The wedding?' Fog starting to clear. Things starting to make sense.

'Yes. You were with Gates and then I saw. I noticed the way you were touching your stomach, everything made sense'

Fingers un-entwining. Hand reaching out to stroke his face 'But you were wrong'

Reaching up, covering her hand, eyes closing 'I know that now, but then it made sense. I'd closed the door on that night, it hurt too much' eyes opening 'why didn't you say anything?'

'I started to; I wanted to clear everything up so we could move on' she faltered 'but Hope interrupted. The next chance I got I looked for you, but you'd left' Would have prevented his accident. No truck. No amputation.

'Gates? I saw you with Gates'

'It was over long before that, he just wouldn't let go, I ended it completely that night'

A misunderstanding. A simple misunderstanding. Lack of communication. Horrific consequences. Amputation. Coma. Why hadn't they talked? Why hadn't he asked?

'Why didn't you tell me at the hospital?' Would have prevented her accident. He wouldn't have left. Neither would she. No rally. No injuries. No coma.

Eyes lowering. Eyes closing 'I'd caused you enough pain. I was going to give you some time and then tell you. I didn't want you dwelling on what you wouldn't be able to do with her, I wanted to let you recover some and then tell you. I was… I was scared you'd reject me'

A finger under her chin, raising her face, wiping the tears away 'Her?'

Meeting his eyes 'Her. Our baby girl, Ray' tears overflowing again.

A slow smile breaking, eyes briefly shutting 'Our baby girl.' Suddenly opening, panic ensuing 'Is she…?'

Smiling, reassuring 'She's okay. Stubborn they said. They did so many tests, they say there's no reason why she won't be okay'

Exhaling, smile rising again 'You and me, parents, Rasgotra'

Laughing 'I know, scary isn't it?'

Serious 'Yes, but you can't imagine how much I've dreamt of this' shakes his head 'our baby?'

Laughs again. Caressing his cheek 'Yes, our baby, you're stuck with my me now Barnett'

Eyes meeting, a look exchanged. Leaning closer. Hand on her cheek. Hers still on his. Closer. Closer. The briefest, lightest of touches. The sweetest of kisses. Slightly pulling back and then closer still. Firmer. Not passionate, comforting, reassuring, caring, loving. Parting. Eyes still joined.

Whispered words 'I never should have left'

'Neither should I'

'I felt guilty that I loved you not Michael. I felt guilty that I cheated on Tony. That I was never free to love you'

'You love me?' Eyes questioning.

Shy, timid smile 'I love you Ray, I always have'

Lips meeting again, more passionate. Saying what words can't. Pulling apart. Foreheads leaning together. Sighing.

'You don't know how long I've waited for you to say that'

'I think I do'

'Neela, I love you too, I don't know how to stop'

A big smile 'Good, because I don't want you to'

Another gentle kiss. She moves away. Confusion. She smiles. Stands, moves her chair beside him, sits again. Quizzical look. Picks his hand up and places it on her stomach. Momentarily closes his eyes. Happiness overwhelming. Eyes opening, meeting hers, smiling, loving. Leaning into him, enveloping her.

'Our baby'

His hand on the swell of her stomach. It all made sense.

Just them, just them.


	10. Insights into an afternoon

Disclaimer: I don't own ER. As I said in the previous chapter I was just going to post the epilogue and this would be finished, but then the reviews said it was nice and fluffy, and I couldn't have that, so this is a bit angsty, the next bit is very angsty, and the epilogue, well you'll have to wait and see! Reviews please.

* * *

Angry, frustrated, ready to blame. Feelings he knew he should have.

The pain that could have been saved if she'd only told him.

But he couldn't feel any of that.

Shock was all he felt.

Shocked. Stunned. Amazed.

His girl was here with him.

She was carrying his baby.

It was all he'd wanted for months.

For now he was revelling in it.

Confrontation, anger, guilt. They were for another time. They'd be addressed at some point; he was sure, but not now.

For now she was in his arms.

What more could he want?

They could make this work.

* * *

Guilt, blame. Feelings she knew she should have.

The words she should have said, the pain she could have saved.

But she couldn't feel any of that.

Safe was all she could feel.

Safe, relieved, loved.

She was with him once more.

She was carrying his baby.

It was all she'd ever wanted.

And she was revelling in it.

Angry words, tears, accusations. They wouldn't disappear over night, she was sure of that.

For now she was in his arms.

What more could she want?

They could make this work.

* * *

Pain, exhaustion etched across her face. But Abby knew she wouldn't say anything. What was her pain compared to his? What was her suffering compared to his?

'We should make a move'

Surprise, shock, fear. Arms tightening, holding on, preventing her from leaving.

'No'

'What?'

'Sweetie, you're exhausted, it's been a long day, you need to rest'

Relenting, agreeing.

A glance over his shoulder at his mother. A questioning look, a nod in agreement 'You could stay here'

A tentative suggestion. The fear of losing what he'd found so soon tightening around his heart, anything to keep her here.

'She needs to sleep'

Turning to face Neela, taking in her sunken, weary eyes, the paleness of her skin, seeing them properly for the first time. A hand rising to stroke her cheek, a feather light kiss on her forehead 'Why don't you lie down in my room?'

Eyes closed, murmuring 'thank you'

* * *

'How is she now?' Deep, serious eyes meeting hers.

'She's resting; hopefully she'll get some sleep'

A shake of the head 'I meant the last few weeks since she woke up'

'Not great, you can see that she's really weak. The pregnancy's taking everything she has, she's still in a lot of pain and she obviously can't take anything for it'

Guilt eating into him, visible on his face.

'Don't. Don't blame yourself. The baby and you are what she's been fighting for, you both are her reason for living'

'But if it wasn't for the baby she'd be able to have treatment for the pain'

Eyes briefly closing, opening, flitting around the room, not willing to meet his, then defeat, acceptance, call it what you want.

'I doubt she'd be alive if it wasn't for the baby'

Shock, incomprehension.

'When they found her she was curled up, she was trying to protect the baby, which probably saved her from even worse injuries. And as' a deep breath 'when she woke, the first movement she made was to touch her stomach; I've a feeling she was checking that she hadn't lost the baby. She wasn't really well enough to travel, but she didn't want you to believe that she'd abandoned you again. You two are what she's fighting for'

Slow, salty tears on his face.

'We'll get her through this, we'll get both of you through this, I promise'

* * *

The phone rings. His mother answers.

'It's for you, it's Katey'

Katey. Yesterday that meant friendship, comfort, news. Now it meant lies, untruths, deceiving. Where once was friendship, now all he felt was hate.

'Hey' brusque, unfeeling, cold.

'Bad day?' You don't so good, I can phone back if you want'

'You could say that. I've got visitors'

Laughter 'You should ask them to leave if they're putting you in this kind of mood'

'It's not them. They've told me some stuff; it appears you've been lying to me'

Stunned silence.

'I don't know what you're talking about' more lying.

'If that's the way you're going to play it, how's work?'

'Mmm, yeah, okay, spending a fair bit of time in the ER this week. Frank's still being a nuisance, and I haven't seen Abby for a few days, nothing else really'

'Yeah? Must be on holiday, how's Neela?'

The name never mentioned between them. The question that was never asked.

'What? Oh she's okay I guess, haven't seen much of her. Why do you ask?'

'Bullshit Katey. Neela and Abby are here. I've seen her; she's sleeping in my bed. I know you've sat by her bedside for the last few months, what I don't know is why you didn't tell me?'

More silence.

'She's there?'

'Yes, why didn't you tell me? You know how I feel about her'

'I thought you'd forgotten about her' Tentative, unsure, grasping at straws.

'That's crap and you know it. Fucking hell Katey, you did this on purpose; you knew how I felt and you deliberately kept it from me. What was it, if you couldn't have me, no one could?'

A bitter laugh 'Of course that's it, I'm desperate to be saddled with a cripple'

Again stunned silence.

Quiet, tension ridden words 'That's how it is then? I thought you were a friend, but obviously I've just been your feel good project, see if you can cheer Ray up, but no need to be honest with him, he's just a cripple. I doubt you'd have told me even if she'd died'

'Ray! I didn't mean it, I'm sorry. It just cam out, I don't think that. Of course I would have told you…'

'Save it Katey, whatever friendship we had you blew it when you didn't tell me about Neela'

* * *

Sudden shift from elation to despair. Katey's cruel words cutting deep. Who wants to be saddled with a cripple? Why would Neela want him?

A noise from his room, wailing rising to screaming.

Abby stood, sighing 'I hoped that being here would have stopped them'

Stirred from his self pity 'What? What's wrong?'

'She keeps having these nightmares, every time she sleeps she wakes up screaming. None of them are the same, but the conclusion is, she loses you and the baby, and that's when she starts crying out'

'I'll go'

'You sure?'

'Yeah'

Walking in. Seeing her twisting, turning in his bed, reaching out. Tear saturated face, hair strewn about. Sitting tentatively at her side. One hand on her shoulder. One gently brushing her hair from her face. Whispering tender reassuring words. Settling down. Calming. Wakening. Looking around. Frantically searching.

'Hey, it's okay, it was just a dream' gentle, calm, loving.

'But' not quite stilling.

'Just a dream, I promise'

'It was so real. You were in an accident, you… you died, you left me, I never got to tell you that I love you' fear returning, panic ensuing.

'It's okay, it's okay, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere' pulling her into his arms, holding her close 'I'll be here for as long as you want me'

Pulling away 'What do you mean? I love you; I don't want you to go anywhere'

'But what about…?' Gesturing downwards 'Why would you want me like this?'

Her turn to reassure. Meeting his eyes 'Hey, I love you, I want you, all of you, no matter what'

'But I'm a cripple'

Surprise. A firm shake of the head.

'No, you're not, you were in an accident, you lost your legs, that doesn't make you a cripple, it doesn't make me love you any less'

Tears mingling again.

'Really?'

'Really, I can't promise that we're going to be together forever, if I have any say in it we will, that's what I want, you're who I want'

Lips meeting, gentle, loving kiss.

Pulling back 'You should rest, try to get some sleep'

'Lie down with me'

Lying down, pulling her close, her head on his chest, his hand on her stomach, eyes closing, sleep enveloping.


	11. Not so happy ever after

**Disclaimer: I don't own ER. Now for the real angst! Reviews please.**

* * *

Not easy. Difficult.

But they made it work. Home was Baton Rouge, too many memories in Chicago, too much pain.

To begin with Jacey's was home. As they mended, repaired, rebuilt and moved on. Their new beginning together. Her support, her care.

Three months later they moved out, got their own place, a home for their family. A home of their own. Just them.

* * *

Frustrated words. Apologies. Making up.

Angry words said in haste. Apologies. Repairing. Making up.

Angry words. Apologies. Rebuilding. Repairing. Making up.

Arguments. Bitter reprisals. Sleeping on it. Half hearted apologies. Patching up the cracks. Repairing. Making up.

Fights. Arguments. Bitter reprisals. Accusations thrown. Cruel, cruel words. No apologies. No rebuilding. No repairing. No making up.

Bags packed. Music, guitars removed. Moving back to his childhood home.

Sleeping alone again.

No going back. It's for the best.

Internet searches. Custody. Weekend father. Words that sound foreign, but are now true.

* * *

So many arguments, so many cruel words. Tears. Pain inflicted on both sides.

Returning home one day to find him gone. Bags packed. Music and guitars taken.

A letter remaining. It's for the best, it said.

The valves tightening around her heart. Lungs deflating. Gasping for reasoning, for understanding.

Sinking to the floor. Arms, hands wrapping around, knees pulling up, trying to protect. Emotional pain this time, not physical.

Tears falling, never drying.

Hoping that the door would open and he would return.

The door remaining shut.

Eventually crawling into bed. Holding his pillow close. Breathing in his smell.

Hoping it was all a bad dream, knowing it wasn't.

Sleeping alone again.


	12. Moving On

**Disclaimer: I don't own ER. I have to admit I was feeling very evil yesterday when I posted the previous chapter, it was initially part of this one but I decided to split them up, hence the evilness. I meant to thank Ocean of Ashes for her advice regarding these last few chapters, I've kind of listened but there will be an epilogue! As you'll see I've pinched one of my favourite lines from Guilt and used it liberally in this. Reviews please.**

* * *

Watching him carry on as normal, as if nothing's changed.

Sneaking out. Visiting her. Watching as her world falls apart. Unable to dry the tears. Unable to ease her pain.

Hearing him call out her name at night but no acknowledgement in the morning. Moving on he says, but you know that's only when he's awake.

Unable to get her to eat. Reminding her she needs to eat for the baby. But she's slipping, sliding into despair, unable to claw her way back.

Trying to talk to him, trying to get him to talk to her. But what's the point, he's moving on. Ignoring the fact that the lights gone from his eyes, ignoring the fact that hers are red and raw. Ignoring the fact that neither is happy. Because he's moving on.

Waking one night. Hearing him screaming her name. Rushing to his bedside. Covers disturbed. Terror etched across his face.

* * *

A phone call from Abby.

Accident. Neela.

Crush injuries.

Coma for the last two months.

Couldn't find a number for him.

No one knew where he was.

Died a few hours earlier.

She was gone.

His girl was gone.

He would have to live without her.

A world without Neela.

A world he didn't want to live in.

He didn't mean what he'd said.

He was frustrated.

Couldn't look after her the way he wanted.

He'd pushed her away and now she was gone.

Gone.

A world without Neela.

Incomprehensible.

A world without Neela.

Unimaginable.

Waking slowly, a dream, just a dream.

Hot, burning tears on his face.

Overwhelming desire to see her.

Need to see her.

Why was he pushing her away?

Why were they fighting?

Living without her was unimaginable so why was he trying?

A figure in his room. A pitying look.

'Why are you doing this?'

Hackles rising 'What?'

'Pushing her away, hurting her, hurting yourself'

Defensive 'It's for the best'

'Who for?' Coming further into his room, sitting on his bed.

'For them, they don't need to be saddled with me, I can't look after her the way she should be looked after'

A despairing shake of the head 'Ray she loves you, she wants you, she knows there are things you can't do, she accepts that. She's falling apart without you, how's that for her best?'

'You've seen her?'

'Yes, she's 8 months pregnant Ray, I wasn't going to leave her on her own'

Guilt. Realisation that he had.

'How is she?'

'As I said she's falling apart, she won't stop crying, she's not eating. You need to sort this out, she needs you'

'I don't know how to' finally admission.

'Go to her, talk to her'

'I don't want to live without her'

A comforting hand on his arm 'I know you don't, that's why you need to work this out'

* * *

Waking.

A strange sensation of not being alone.

Someone else in the apartment.

A scream starting to tear itself from her body.

Eyes adjusting to the darkness.

A figure by her bedside. Ray.

Tears trickling down his face.

A broken man.

'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I was just so frustrated' apologies spouting forth.

Pulling herself up 'Why didn't you talk to me?'

Cautiously sitting down, unsure if it was allowed.

'I wanted to, believe me, I wanted to but every time I tried we ended up fighting'

'Why are you here?'

Cautiously reaching out to stroke her cheek, waiting for her to pull away.

Subconsciously leaning into his hand.

'I don't want to live without you'

A querying look 'You've only just realised that?'

Frustration 'No, I'm not explaining this well. I've been trying to tell myself that this is what I wanted, that I was moving on, but I keep having these dreams where something happens to you and I'm not there and I lose you and I have to live without you, and the idea of that terrifies me'

Sadness fills her eyes 'What went wrong with us?'

Honesty fills his 'I wanted to be able to look after you the way you deserve and I can't do everything that I should be able to and it frustrates me'

'But I don't want you to look after me' he looks away, defeated 'look at me, this is a partnership, we both do our share. There are things that you can do that I can't and vice versa. That's the way it goes. You don't need to do it all'

'But I want to. You deserve someone who can do everything'

Shakes her head 'I don't want anyone but you. Someone else wouldn't be able to make me laugh the way you do, or my heart race the way it does when I'm near you, no one else would be able to make me feel as loved as you do and all of those are far more important than being able to change a light bulb or clean the gutters'

A glimmer of light in his eyes 'You mean that?'

A smile 'Yes Ray, I mean it. How many times do I have to tell you that you're all I want, all I need?'

His eyes light up, a smile playing at the corners of his mouth 'You know I'll never get tired of hearing it'

A roll of the eyes. A more serious moment 'We're going to be okay, aren't we?'

Pulling her into his arms 'We have to be, I don't ever want to be without you again'

Wearily 'Good, are you getting in then? I'm exhausted, I've not had much sleep the last few nights and your daughter is wearing me out'

A kiss on the lips, mending, repairing, making up.

'Yeah, come on then'

Tucking her back in, moving around, climbing in, and pulling her close. Holding her close all night.


	13. Epilogue

**Disclaimer: I don't own ER. I'm actually not as happy with this part as I was last week, but here goes. The muses were being even more evil yesterday and tried to make me write a very angsty ending but I've refrained, I'm sure I promised someone that I wouldn't kill Neela off again so soon and I've been true to my word. I've loved writing this story, it started out as an experiment but its probably my favourite, though the next few chapters of guilt may be competing strongly. Thank you for all your reviews. As ever, please review.**

* * *

Baby Jasmine arrived a month later. Healthy, beautiful, their miracle. It was all a miracle really; that he was still there, that she was still there, that they'd made it through. 

Life was hard, challenging, working out his boundaries, pushing them. Caring for her, for them, for his family.

A new role for her, more challenging, more intense than any before. She loved it, loved caring for her, for him, for their family.

Two years down the line he proposed.

She said yes.

They planned, they organised, no rush, no hurry. They had each other and Jasmine, they were happy. They didn't need anything else.

A wedding a year later.

Him in a suit no tie.

Her a red sari.

Their little girl matching.

So many guests, proud of how far they'd come. Abby, Luka, Joe, who they owed so much.

He watched her form the opposite side of the room.

Watched as she placed a hand gently on her stomach.

And again orange juice not champagne and it made sense, he knew.

He knew that he couldn't be happier.

He was at her side, his hand joining hers.

Eyes meeting.

'Yeah?'

'Yeah'

Arms enveloping, face grinning, buried in her hair.

As it always should have been.

Happiness overwhelming.


End file.
